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November 24, 2002

Maybe if I track my life entirely online....

Well, it probably wouldn't help. Sure does seem like life's been hard lately. If this were a slightly more anonymous forum, I'd go into all of the particulars. Since it's not, I'll just got into the personal ones, 'cause, hey, no on really reads this, and its therapeutic.

It's embarrassing to say, but adult relationships are hard. By way of some more context: last February, I met a wonderful woman. In the proceeding months, I fell, hard. She's wonderful.... everything I can imagine wanting in a woman. She has such a perfect little piece of the world (both emotionally, and, it turns out, physically). I was totally in to her.

For reasons I'm still not totally clear on, but which boil down to the hardest thing for me to deal with ("It just wasn't right"), she broke it off. About 3 months ago.

Now, people who know me will know that I'm normally a fairly optimistic person. I see the world with rose colored glasses the likes of which would make most people pinch themselves. I try to give my all to anything I care about. And that's where it breaks down.

And then the real downward spiral starts. Because, standard Goliath style, the higher you rest your day-to-day view of the world, the further it falls when something dares to make you question things. Or, perhaps, the coating on the rose glasses isn't as thick as it was when I was younger. In any case, it sucks when things turn sour.

And sour they have. Worse feelings of longing I have never felt. I don't know if I'm following a standard pattern or what, but, I went through denial (first few days), followed by uncertainty, then a period of sort of hating reality. Finally, I thought I'd take her up on her offer to be friends. Whoops. I've got no idea how that works, at least, not in this context. I certainly wasn't ready. And the feelings I have are deep rooted. Two months later, it became clear to us both (well, her first, seems to be the way of things...), that friendship wasn't the thing. No, no. Bad idea.

So, we were keeping in touch, to the tune of however often she felt like calling and chatting. But, the chats were always strained. And I always went through a couple of days after each one, just trying to regain my precious day-to-day comfort level with the business. I've lost many nights of sleep to circling through it all, over and over.

Anyway, about the same time as that discomfort was hitting, I started thinking maybe making some new female friends, or sort of dating a little, might be worth a shot. Nothing toward a LTR, and, yeah, I know I'm sort of playing with fire to do things like that, but, still. It seemed harmless enough, and maybe it might burn away some of the ol' loneliness which was killing me so much.

Right. So, I went on a couple of dates, mostly with people I met off of the w4m section of Craig's List. Once more, bad idea. I'm just totally emotionally unavailable right now. Sure, I can do the standard "BP talks up a storm" bit, but not really connect with anyone beyond that. Ergh.

Getting toward the end here, I promise. Agitated flows of consciousness like this are hard to write and still sound cohesive. So, after messing up the last date I went on, it was back to CL tonight. My mistake. My ex, who had told me she didn't expect to date again "for a long time", had posted the most thoughtful CL ad I've yet read. I didn't know it was her for sure, but the coincidence would have been amazing. What do I do? I make a hotmail account, and send her the sweetest response I can come up with. All of the scabs are off at this point, and I don't even know if she wrote the ad yet. I try sleeping, but I'm too agitated to doze, so I check my mail. Sure enough, she'd written back to the ad. So, mature and rational thinker that I am, I call her. Nothing resolved, no forward progress made, but, hey, at least I got to admit to it. In the end, I'm going around burying all artifacts of her. I'm too much of a packrat to delete anything, but at least I shouldn't be seeing her name too often.

So, here I am again. Totally wrecked by my still barely fading feelings for her. She's uninterested. Probably scared, certainly annoyed. I'm helping no one with this behavior. Adult dating is hard, and I'm worse than average at it. I know there are other women out there, hopefully even the one who it will ultimately work out with. But all that is hopelessly irrelevant to my mind at this point. All I know is hurt, and frustration. From rose colored glasses to depression. *sigh*

Anyone in the Bay Area know I good mental professional to refer me to? Talking to my website can't be the best way to get on with life, and I can certainly use all the help I can get at this point.